Entry level job position

About the position

You’re going to be in charge of nothing at all. This position reports directly to the next lowest-paid employee, and everyone else is technically your boss. If you are in the middle of organizing something alphabetically, which is a main activity of the position, and you hear a faint cry for coffee through the air ducts, it becomes your responsibility to get the coffee, and locate its requester. Among other tasks.

Key responsibilities

  • Organize things we give you. This can range from product descriptions to color samplers
  • Get coffee for anyone who wants some. Pay attention to the air ducts
  • Wear a shirt and a tie
  • Laugh at all jokes told by senior management
  • Type letters and words onto Microsoft Word

Required experience

  • Bachelor degree in Business Administration
  • MBA preferred
  • At least 7 years of experience in an office setting
  • Certification in Microsoft Office Suite within the last 30 days, receiving a grade of at least 100%
  • Expert-level mathematical skills, preferably literate in SPSS, GNU Octave, and the NAG library
  • Doctoral degree or equivalent experience in physics and/or thermodynamics, and Washington state HVAC certification
  • A friendly, outgoing personality. Proof of having volunteered somewhere in Africa, having briefly considered adopting that one child you showed your iphone to
  • Expertise in storytelling and a certificate from the Iowa Writer’s Workshop. Demonstrated ability to tell stories that move audiences to tears and bring in high returns in the box office on opening weekend, after having already floored Cannes
  • Have published a best-selling novel within the last year that has been described by at least three New York Times book reviewers as “Groundbreaking”
  • Proficiency in Spanish
  • Expertise in Latvian, Yoruba, Thai Sign Language and Klingon
  • Strong preference for the Oxford comma
  • Portfolio of successful art showcasing at least three controversial pieces depicting the fractured lives of Moldovans through the lens of Lady Gaga singles
  • 10+ years growing organic coffee on a Nicaraguan plantation before, during, and after the internal strife caused by the Sandinista revolt, having fallen in love with the daughter of the plantation owner and then being assimilated into the guerrilla struggle only to return later battle-hardeed to find the family had immigrated to Duluth.
  • 30+ years’ management experience in an industry-leading company that has reshaped reality in accordance with your example in the workplace

If this sounds like you, apply now. We’re a friendly bunch but if you look at us the wrong way we’ll trash talk you behind your back so much that eventually we will have convinced ourselves that your murder would increase company ROI.

Please include a cover letter and at least one reference from a former US ambassador to the UK.

We look forward to working with you!


Download the letter



One thought on “Posted: Entry level office assistant job opening for aspiring career starter

  1. As disturbing as it is, I meet enough of these qualifications to take a shot at applying for this position.

    If only this were a real job, and I cared about being a real adult.

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