Brothers of Sigma Theta Delta, welcome to Fall semester 2017!
I, Gary Buttbong, am honored to begin another year as your president. As you know, we’re required to go over our house rules bi-annually (haha, bi). Read these carefully, because senior Brothers will haze you if you break them.
Rule 1. Brothers shall only wear polo shirts and Ralph Lauren button-downs in order to demonstrate to the plebeians that we’re the human equivalent of store brand margarine–long-lasting and reliable.
Rule 2. All brothers must maintain minimum passing grades; Brothers with suspiciously high grades will be golden showered until they conform to mediocrity.
Rule 3. It is always a party. Anyone not partying must take a shot.
Rule 4. If someone says something awkward, the awkwardness will be called out by saying “awkward”.
Rule 5. Any girl brought to the Frat is by default a house girl: she is free game for Brothers to hunt.
Rule 6. Frat House floors and walls must be sticky at all times.
Rule 7. Your parents gave you a car.
Rule 8. Respect Bro culture in STD. We are not “dudes”, “mans”, “fellas”, or “compadres”; we are Bros.
Rule 9. Conflict between Brothers will be resolved with empty threats and prompts of “you wanna go?” He who convinces most Brothers that the other Brother is a douche and/or pussy wins.
Rule 10. Conversations will not last longer than 5 minutes without shotgunning a beer or changing the subject to sports (including football, basketball, and baseball only).
Rule 11. Don’t date rape.
Rule 12. Conform to the worldview of the house. Chicks are hot, vegetarians are pussies, and the USA is the only country.
These are the Frat House Rules. Learn them. Live by them. Remember that college is the best time of your life, and we’ll pressure you forever after to live up to our expectations. Bro love! (It’s platonic–we’re not gay).