I recently ordered a ceramic skillet on Amazon (I saw a show about 1000 ways to die and Teflon is one). I’ve ordered through Amazon before, but this was the first time I opted for “free gnome shipping”.  I saw the commercials, so I like the idea. Fast and easy 2-day shipping. But I can tell you I am not impressed.

If you’re going to use gnomes to deliver packages they should have customer service training first. You can’t just catch a gnome from their fairy plane and put a delivery pack on them. But that’s what you did, Amazon, and now your once-loyal customers bear the brunt of this oversight.

This gnome was 10 inches tall, but it had the attitude of a dock worker, and it was smoking a pipe at my front door. I asked it kindly to extinguish the piece, to which it just glared at me and puffed a huge cloud of smoke fashioned into large genitalia, right into my face. The audacity!

Once I had the package, I turned to close the door but the gnome got inside my house. I had not invited it in–in your policy, Amazon, you ensure that your gnomes cannot enter homes unless invited to break the magical barrier. This one proceeded to hump my furniture, staring at me intently all the while.

I fetched a broom to bat it back outside, but when I came it had gone.

I am very upset with the experience of using your new free gnome shipping. This happened last Thursday, and just today I smelled something like blueberries and sulfur, and found that the gnome had urinated behind my couch–there was a green spot. Now I have to purchase carpet cleaner.

Unbelievable. 0 stars! Give me a refund or I will sue. Gnomes shouldn’t deliver Amazon packages, period. It’s just too irresponsible.