We’re writing to help you understand our country, since you clearly have a poor grasp of what it means to be American. So please, learn:
- America is the best country in the world. It doesn’t matter that most of us have never been abroad; we innately understand our superiority in all things. The rest of you can squabble over second place.
- Our Founding Fathers were the first humans on planet Earth.
- Everyone on our sidewalks is a European tourist. Americans are the ones in cars and parking lots.
- You’re always a block from a McDonald’s, Starbucks, Walmart, Target, Subway, Burger King or post office. These are also our cultural centers.
- Science is gay.
- Our democracy is better than yours. It doesn’t matter that the winner is the loser, or that we only have one round of voting unlike stupid France.
- Slavery did not cause our Civil War, astrology did.
- All of your food is shit. We eat awesome fat, salt, and sugar, and get diabetes, but it’s ok because we have the best healthcare system in the world and it only costs debt to get treatment.
- Opioids are not a problem at all and really make the days go by quickly.
- All foreigners are Mexican. “Native Americas” were just more furtive Mexicans.
- Our children are the cutest, but we like seeing your quaint commercials to end hunger too—it makes us feel good about ourselves to at least for a moment consider helping.
- When we drop a bomb on you, it’s your fault.
- Mass shootings are part of our cultural heritage so stop bashing them.
- Everything is possible if you have money to start, which is great because people without money are gross.
- We have the most impartial news media, and things are only getting better in that regard.
- Americans are the very best in bed, everyone knows that.
We hope you understand now. We will write you again soon.