Santa,

Sir, I am 30 year old software developer in silcon valley. I am from Rus so I very aware of cold climate like your home. I think we understand, yes? Cold make us compatriots in way, for cold balls, yes? When frozen air makes balls very very tight, yes. In silcon valley, not problem. Very hot, lots Goldbond powder for balls.

Sir, I write because I vant report someone very naughty for Christmas. Why childs are receiving all attention this time year anyvay? They irresponsible with gifts, sir. This boy exspecially.

He very dickhead boy name Stuart in apartment across street floor 14. He very very good at League of Legend but is dickmove every moment. “Pwned newbie piece shit” he say. Very naughty boy. I see him on street I say, “hey you boy, you very good at LoL, but you respect nothing”, and he say “drop dead old guy, kill you are self”.

Santa Claus, you give this boy shingles on balls for Christmas, yes? Very painful shingles on balls, I know. Boy will no forget this. Also, give boy photo of mother naked, sir. This very confusing for young boy I know because this is happen to my cousin who turned inside out.

Coal is not good bad present sir. Coal very interesting for child and not teach lesson. Rabies teach lesson. Give child caged opossum with rabies that bites boy and give rabies, yes? Rabies very Christmas disease, very merry.

This all I ask sir, please make boy pay for being so dickmove player.

-Vitaly