Fashion sense for the alt right male

The Alt Right Male was shown across the globe during the Charlottesville “Unite the Right” rally. If there’s one thing the world must have been thinking, it’s that the Alt Right Male has a killer fashion sense.

On shirts

The Alt Right Male wears either a plain-color short-sleeved polo shirt or a button-down dress shirt that’s extraordinarily pompous. He has to look as clean as possible in order to distract from the dirty vile that he spews from his mouth. He tucks in his shirt to add to the veneer of respectability up to the moment he speaks.

On pants

The Alt Right Male wears khakis. This gives him a chance to discretely poop his pants when he gets surrounded by the far more numerous counter-protesters.

On underwear

The Alt Right Male uses the tightest undergarments imaginable. If he has balls, they are wrapped up so tight that his voice jumps an octave, ringing at a frequency so high that his ignorance is heard louder than the rest. When he poops his pants the balls are further constricted and the voice gets even higher.

On hair

The Alt Right Male sports a 1930’s side buzz, topped with a comb-over of moist semen-bound strands. He ensures some strands are loose so that a good head jerk during a tantrum will free them from the pack. This makes him look really scary when he’s angry, which is all the time.

On facial hair

The Alt Right Male must be clean-shaven in order to cater to the baby-faced masses that are too young to know they’re being brain-washed. Even a little stubble is impure, unless directly below the nose. He uses K-Y Jelly sex lubricant to make his skin smoother; he could use regular moisturizing creams but he prefers being immensely creepy.

On accessories

The Alt Right Male always carries a hanky for the spittle. His mouth gets a lil bit frothy from the hate speech and he doesn’t want to stain his baby blue shirt with tobacco and Mountain Dew.

On skin

The Alt Right Male thinks his skin is macaroon cream. It darkens in the sun due to his mixed Spanish, Italian, Irish, Greek, and Moroccan heritage. But he just tells himself he’s 100% Irish.

On acquaintances

Anyone sharing the Alt Right Male’s ideology is welcome at his rallies, so pretty much none of the above matters–black-clad racist biker gangs, dirty-as-fuck hillbillies, tie-wearing wankers, or any other way racists dress is permissible as long as they ignore history, fact, God and goodness.


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