How to make money online

To whom it may concern:

The How to Make Money Online blogger community is a crazy cult of lunatics. You watch out, I’m telling you. They lust for cash, they soak it in palm oil and paste it to themselves in big cast iron tubs, like human paper mache, moaning and listening to endless loops of Jason Mraz. If you want to make money online, there’s a secret that they protect like the Vatican protects pedophilia. The trick is in letting you think that you know their secrets–you don’t. By god, you do not.

But I’m here to tell you how to make money online. It’s a fuckton simpler than it seems, but it depends on a steady flow of dumb-shit internet people. I’m talking about the real ignorant ones, the ones that would be retarded penguins if they were turned into animals, squawking and running into a brick wall like blind-deaf lemmings.

Imagine a bloke with a storefront. He promotes “information sessions on how to make money” for a price. You shouldn’t trust a guy who smiles with his bottom teeth, and most people strolling the sidewalk won’t think twice about it. But enough people will wonder, then pay, then listen to info from his Bullshit Seminar that they could’ve found elsewhere for free. Only those who’ve never heard that information before think the session was worth the cost. This guy promotes the shit out of his “product”, and more people pay. But that won’t make the big bucks. That’s transparent–plenty of people can see that it’s a pyramid scheme–or at least a rather perky dome.

Now comes the secret. The real way he makes money online is talking about how he makes money online. That’s it. Done deal. That’s the big search query. “How to make money online.” People bored of their beige living because they think they should be, and morphing into retarded penguins. So these retarded penguins gave this guy the leverage to say, “hey, look how I made this money” by paying for his Bullshit Seminar. From there, he creates an entire Bullshit Blog around the theme of how he made that money. With time, he’s now making more money just talking about making money than the money he makes from his Bullshit Seminar. And as the traffic rolls in and he’s making more money from advertising, he’s got more clout and can convince even more retarded penguins to sign up for his Bullshit Seminar, which will in turn “reveal to them the secrets of how he makes money.” What are the secrets (which his seminar won’t reveal)? Make money by talking about making money and then getting people to sign up for a seminar on how to make money and so on and so forth to the end of times.

What happens in the Bullshit Blog is supposedly transparency. The guy shows you his monthly earnings. You think “Holy crusty asshole Batman, it’s so easy,” and it is. But what he doesn’t tell you is that the only reason he’s able to make money is because you’re interested in how he makes money, which is in itself how he’s able to make money–you’re interest in making money. It’s like Kick the Goddamn Can, a never-ending loop of advantage-taking of the retarded penguins.

Why do I care? Fuckall. I don’t. I do, I really do. So much movement of cash and absolutely nothing comes of it. No one is creating anything. All that’s created is traffic, affiliate links, ad revenue. Nothing tangible. Nothing that I can bite into, hold in my hands, or kick. Nothing that I can laugh at, or that makes me think. How to make money online, you ask? Become a useless sack of shit and spend all your time convincing retarded penguins to give you money to learn how to make money. BAM. Welcome to the twenty-first century society.


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