How to write a Christmas list

If you are wondering how to make a Christmas list, then this short instructional guide should help. Santa Claus comes only once a year. This shit is real.

Christmas list essentials: Print or Stationery?

Stationery. Santa Claus is old. Old people hate young people. Computers are a relatively young technology to a man as old as Santa. He hates: ridden bikes, tight clothing, and male piercings. He loves: autumn scents, knit-pattern sweaters, and papyrus. Play it old school. You want those presents? Write the Christmas list on old, worn stationery.

Other pointers for the logistics of the copy:

  • Use an inked quill for effect
  • Write in cursive but maintain legibility
  • Doodle Blitzen and/or Comet–**do not doodle Dasher**
  • Write big. Santa uses glasses but they only help so much
  • Space your words
  • Short paragraphs at the beginning
  • Stick to a list
  • It’s a list
  • Don’t write a novel, it’s a list

What to ask Santa for Christmas on your list

Now comes for the content. A Christmas list is like a cover letter. It gives the impression, while also hitting the keywords that Santa needs to see in order to prioritize your presents. Consider this: every year kids all across the world get something off their list, but 88% of the time it is not the first item, 53% it is isn’t even the second item. A good Christmas list is not a prioritization from 1 to however many. Rather, it is strategic in that is planned and mapped to increase likelihood of receiving the gifts you want–it’s about placing them in the right order on the list such that you are leveraging the odds against you.

For the first item on your Christmas list, there is a 12% chance of getting it on Christmas morning. So, make it something you can live without. Note: do not add anything to your list that you do not actually want because 12% is still 12%. This isn’t a game.

Items 2-3 have an 80% chance of under-treeing. It’s anyone’s bet which you’ll get, or both. Succinctness counts here, so make the ask brief (e.g. “Tonka train”, “Big Wheels”, “Just Cause 4”).

From there, next:

  • Item 4: 23% chance
  • Items 5-9: 63% chance
  • Items 10+: staggered 37.4% chance of receipt

Keep in mind there is no cap on presents but the average you’ll receive from Santa is 5.

We’ve seen high likelihood of success when asking for higher-percentage items if they are homely in nature. Think of a good book, sweaters (100% chance of receipt but who asks for those), kitchen supplies, candy, etc. Tech items like computers, stereos, headphones, entertainment systems, generally fall around 40% within the percentage range of the item tier.

In terms of material, Santa doesn’t like plastic. Go for wood, paper, cotton, leather, etc. (if possible).

Price is not an issue if you play the odds as outlined above, but in proportion with said odds there are diminishing returns as price rises against measured recommendations.

How to mail Santa your Christmas List

This is a critical step if you want those presents. Get your list to Santa early. Do not postmark the letter after November 30th. December 1st marks the first day of Christmas Season and you cannot afford to incur the wrath of Claus with a delayed Christmas list.

Here are some other pointers for the presentation of your card:

  • Match the envelope with the letter stationery
  • Before licking closed the bill ensure you sign the Christmas list with your real name (no nick names as Santa has no patience for childishness)
  • Stamps should be at least 3 dollars to ensure standard delivery to the pole
  • **Stamps must be Christmas themed (trees, Christmas lights, snow scenes —NO “ELVES”)**
  • Recommended that you burn a piece of palo santo and infuse the paper with its smoke

Santa’s address is:

Santa Claus

North Pole

How to prepare for next year’s Christmas list writing

To maximize impact and find efficiencies year on year, immediately optimize your strategy for the following year. Key to remember, of course, is how you react to presents you did not ask for. That’s right: Santa’ll give you shit you didn’t want.

Don’t get angry or it’s coal. Don’t be passive or your percentages will take a beating. Be sure to be thankful on the outside because Santa is like Big Brother on that blessed morning.

Once Christmas unwrapping is complete, get right to work. The longer your next Christmas letter stays sitting in a closet, the mustier it will be. Old, used Christmas letters have a 5% increased Santa acceptance value across the board.

Write for your audience. Play the odds. Get presents.

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