Do you want a cheap new car that smells like a more expensive new car? The new Hun-Die X253 Forger is a best-in-class sedan, pimped with market-tested goodies that you can bet your bottom dollar will get you from A to B on a paved road by driving.
- Tinted windows for added anonymity and easier drive-by shooting
- Three glove compartments (because who da fuck is happy with just one?)
- Steering wheel is sheathed in the dried skin of caribou (gear shift antlers optional)
- Floor to ceiling windows
- Pressing the horn plays “The Way” by Fastball. Guaranteed to part traffic like Moses in the Red Sea, or Bruce
- 65-year limited warranty on paper and not legally binding
- Car is equipped with 4 used Firestone tires from the late 1990s
- Comes with a complimentary bag of Kettle BBQ chips in the trunk (note: you must kill the gnome to get them)
- 400 pre-loaded songs by various struggling Beatles cover bands
- Folding chairs instead of seats–the ones with cloth not just cold metal
- V45 engine. Pistons like the size of tampons, so lots of little moving parts that will probably wear and tear quickly.
- Break pads (obviously, haha, it’s just funny because we already wrote “tampon” and now we’re writing “pad”. Haha. Classic)
- No gasoline! Uses grass-fed cow methane. Totally organic and responsible
- Semi-autonomous driving for when you need both hands to scratch that itch
- 360-degree video recording for perverts
- Large animal detection system that can be configured to detect in-laws
- TV streaming so that you can crash and burn, just like, horribly. This is a terrible idea.
*Only 2 X253s in solid black–the rest are poopy color
**Only Bitcoin accepted