Do you want a cheap new car that smells like a more expensive new car? The new Hun-Die X253 Forger is a best-in-class sedan, pimped with market-tested goodies that you can bet your bottom dollar will get you from A to B on a paved road by driving.


  • Tinted windows for added anonymity and easier drive-by shooting
  • Three glove compartments (because who da fuck is happy with just one?)
  • Steering wheel is sheathed in the dried skin of caribou (gear shift antlers optional)
  • Floor to ceiling windows
  • Pressing the horn plays “The Way” by Fastball. Guaranteed to part traffic like Moses in the Red Sea, or Bruce
  • 65-year limited warranty on paper and not legally binding
  • Car is equipped with 4 used Firestone tires from the late 1990s
  • Comes with a complimentary bag of Kettle BBQ chips in the trunk (note: you must kill the gnome to get them)
  • 400 pre-loaded songs by various struggling Beatles cover bands
  • Folding chairs instead of seats–the ones with cloth not just cold metal
  • V45 engine. Pistons like the size of tampons, so lots of little moving parts that will probably wear and tear quickly.
  • Break pads (obviously, haha, it’s just funny because we already wrote “tampon” and now we’re writing “pad”. Haha. Classic)
  • No gasoline! Uses grass-fed cow methane. Totally organic and responsible
  • Semi-autonomous driving for when you need both hands to scratch that itch
  • 360-degree video recording for perverts
  • Large animal detection system that can be configured to detect in-laws
  • TV streaming so that you can crash and burn, just like, horribly. This is a terrible idea.

*Only 2 X253s in solid black–the rest are poopy color

**Only Bitcoin accepted

Say something

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *