Due to a number of complaints at the beginning of June, the administration hereby posts these rules in order to keep the pool area accessible to all residents:
- Only residents and guests of the Honeybrook Senior Living Center are permitted, unless the trespasser has a hot bod. The elderly have to live, after all.
- Swimming hours are between 8 a.m. and just before you woke from your nap for a swim, unless otherwise officially sanctioned. That means no more raucous late-night parties at 7 p.m.
- Please do not poo in the pool. Barbara added one to her pine cone collection and came down with irritable bowel syndrome. The toilets have handle bars, people.
- Gary, our pool technician, is married. Please stop trying to seduce him.
- Power wheelchairs are not to be driven into the pool. It’s very difficult to retrieve these, and Gary’s back isn’t that much better off than yours.
- Let the Viagra wear off BEFORE suiting up.
- Residents with bladder bags are to be accompanied by a qualified nurse.
- All swimmers must shower before entering the water. Every mouthful of water comes with a cohort of dead skin cells. Let’s lessen the impact.
- Do not curse at Randy. He does not remember splashing you 30 seconds earlier.
- Swim suits are required except on Tootsie Tuesdays.
- No retelling stories from your days in the Navy unless the listener has expressly condoned the interaction or is deaf.
- All alcoholic drinks will be served in plastic cups. But take note: falling asleep underwater is not permitted.
- The lifeguard is not a fascist and understands the sacrifices you made to make this country free. Please do not incite your peers to rise up against Ryan again. Someone scratched him and it required a band-aid last time.
Please report infractions. Snitches will be rewarded with a Mars bar and probable antagonism from their peers.