Dear Hiring Manager,
I hope you’re having a wonderful, super sweet day!
My name is Gonza Feraday, and enclosed in this flowery envelope I’m sending you is my resume and a few twisted brushes of sage that I picked (the plant grows out from my outhouse’s siding but the excrement is totally organic so there’s no danger–you can even eat it!). I want to fill the position of mid-level manager at your company.
My strengths include:
- I hold a brown belt in jiu jitsu that I won after cracking a 12 year old’s kneecap, which shows my ability to get stuff done despite the odds, and no worries the kid can walk, he’s just going to stagger like a penguin from now on, the doctor says
- My Mac is a PowerBook G4 I’ve had since 2005 because I shun planned obsolescence and I believe in getting the most out of a piece of technology! It takes 45 minutes to boot up, which I feel demonstrates my patience in the face of adversity
- I’m extremely thoughtful; I smoke a lot of DMT so I’m also good at math
- I’ve had lots of dreams where I managed people, and have the dream journal to prove it
- I once owned an Etsy store but apparently I broke the ToS so they banished me and said my penis-painted kazoos didn’t fit their culture but whatever I told them sarcastically that I knew where they would fit, but I can tell you it was a bad idea and I was constipated for a week (and I got good at that instrument inversely)
- I can type very fast which shows time management skill
- I can do all the computer programs
- I hold a PhD in Astrophysical Shenandoha Valley Ethnographics (it was a gamble and yeah there’s not a lot of work in that field–that’s a pun so I’m also humorous)
- The one time I did work in an office, my musical prowess won me a best artist of the month award playing what I call stapler castanets. Jerry mocked me so I stapled a post-it to his chest–super redundant and super fucking funny believe me
So as you can see I’m overqualified for the position. I did not read the whole thing, because you wrote a lot, but I’m sure I have everything you’re looking for. If we can move on to the interview stage, I’ll need you to come pick me up at my mom’s place. Just Google it, Roundwigam Retirement Community, we’re in apt. 45.
Looking forward to discussing this job opportunity further. Peace be with you!