Humor must necessarily abide by these guidelines

Dear Things in Squares guy,

I have decided to write you because your humor is entirely incorrect, among other doubts. I have stood by for too long, letting your attempts at humor bewilder me and offend–but now I say no more! No more shall my feelings be hurt, and no more shall your wantonly facetious rhetoric confuse me or anyone else. I have taken it upon myself to blow the whistle, and stop this terrible tyranny of yours that is detrimental to the very fabric of modern civilization.

If you want to preserve this follower, I suggest you observe these guidelines to a T:

  • You shall no longer make any funny thing that does not follow a prescribed, socially-acceptable norm
  • You must construct and refer to a database of cultural clubs representative of all sections of society in order gain approval for any and all work that concerns their ethnicity, sector, or lifestyle
  • Your comics must and should appear in this format: build-build-build-punchline. This is the only way comics are funny to me, and I can’t understand anything but
  • Comics and letters that make me at all uncomfortable shall be immediately deleted in order to keep the internet as politically correct and clean as possible
  • I do not like that you lure readers in with cute bunny comics and then give them socially demanding content to ponder. You must only do one kind of thing ever and that’s it
  • I want simple, digestible comics that don’t make me think at all and instead make me happy because I relate to them
  • You can never, ever ask me for money. Your business is free, and your $2 daily ad revenue is enough. Some people make less than $1 a day and they survive
  • In fact you should remove your ads entirely. How dare you, sir. I want to cultivate my internet browsing experience and I’m offended that you’re trying to turn this into a living. Ads are capitalistic and greedy, and you should agree with every social theory that I prescribe to
  • Your letters are confusing. I can’t tell if they’re real or not. I am offended that a comic website now has writing. What do you think this is, freedom of expression? Pff

“Thingsinsquares.com” is as much mine as it is yours. I don’t like that you change things. I don’t like that you experiment, and I surely, sir, disapprove of your latest letter.

-The person with the only valid opinion in the room

 


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