To all TSA administrators:
As of March 21st, 2017, new guidelines and rules for how we will process travelers at our airport security screening stations will go into effect. These new rules are in line with a general restructuring of the security apparatus, taking into account the recent electoral win by the president of the United States of America, which was the biggest win in the history of democracy.
Following are condensed versions of the rules that have been added and changed. For complete documentation on each, please refer to the full intranet manual.
- Article 3.12: At no time will any passenger, male or female or transgender, be allowed to carry with them shades of lipstick that are defined by anything but the following terms: vermilion, red, maroon, fuchsia, rose, dahlia, ruby, salmon, russet, crimson, wine, burgundy, carmine, scarlet or magenta.
- Article 20.4: Passengers with mobility disabilities will have to be able to do one rep lifting their own wheelchair. Failure to do so will result in a fine in order to financially accommodate the weight of the chair.
- Article 21.5: Any passenger who fits the description of “hipster” as defined by the National Consortium of Beer Distributors will be considered a security liability and will be given white jumpsuits to don over their clothes, and sneakers to replace their loafers. Failure to adhere to this regulation will result in denial of entry to the terminal.
- Article 30.12: All TSA security personnel will be given paper slip skin tone samplers provided by Sherwin-Williams. Those passengers who do not fall in between “Snow Light” and “Ecru” will be subject to full body frisking.
- Article 30.13: All passengers will be required to pronounce the word combinations “fragile bacon”, “gone with the wind”, and “i left my wallet at applebees”. Those passengers who are unable to do so, or who roll their ‘r’s in any way, will be subject to full body frisking by the attending officer.
- Article 46: Silk is no longer permitted as a garment.
- Article 50: TSA teams will each be assigned a senior citizen from Arkansas to serve as food specialist. Those passengers wishing to bring food through the security checkpoint must present it to these specialists. Any food to which the specialist responds in a confused manner will be destroyed.
- Change to Article 55: Whereas before officers would describe the procedure of body frisking before conducting the same, now they will not warn passengers. Any passenger surprised by the intimate groping in the crotchal area will be further processed by the strip search teams on standby.
- Article 55.1: Strip searching will be conducted in groups of 4 passengers. These new rules will ensure quick turnover time to accumulate groups of 4. Passengers will stand butt-to-butt during the search.
- Article 60: Mouthing off to TSA officers will not be tolerated. Violators will go to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.
- Article 63: Business, first, and elite class travelers will be looked at slightly less menacingly than economy passengers. However, any first class passenger who raises their chin higher than the chin of the attending TSA officer will be ridiculed and placed among the economy class passengers.
- Article 70: Any passenger who TSA officers deem to probably have good taste in music will be muffled.
- Article 71: Smart phones that cross through TSA checkpoints belong to TSA. Passengers who refuse to provide the passcode to access the phone’s content will be detained indefinitely in a room with reruns of Dallas.
- Change to Article 84: The 3-1-1 liquid rule still applies for bottles of liquid 100 milliliters or less. However, Dr. Pepper is now permitted capped at 42 ounces.
- Article 85: TSA Pre customers will be required to bring one non-TSA Pre passenger with them for personal frisking.
- Article 91: TSA officers are required to speak at minimum 676 sones. Those officers whose voices cannot achieve this threshold will be sent to the TSA Decibel Treatment Facility in Yakima, Washington.
- NO CHANGE to Article 94: TSA officers at Chicago O’Hare will continue to be required to shower in molasses.
- Article 101: Saudi Arabians will no longer require screening and will instead by given a column of Ritz Crackers and lemonade for their journey.
- Article 107: In the event of a lock down, the ranking TSA authority on site will be Randy. If there is no one named Randy, the ranking officer will be Michel.
- Article 140: Confiscated alcoholic beverages must be stored and shipped to our processing facility for examination at this address: Mike Duchman, 349 Sandy Way, Walterville, CT, 94059. (Only send the good stuff)
Again, these changes will go into effect on March 21st. Questions and concerns can be forwarded through your senior officer to our internal department at firstname.lastname@example.org.