Sandra,

I wanted to write you personally to welcome you to our team. We had many other girls apply for the job, but you were the most qualified candidate. Your teeth are so white, and your wardrobe really works with your figure. With you as our company secretary, we are sure to impress all our clients (especially our Slavic customers).

As you know my name’s Willard Bloom. I was featured in GQ this year (all the girls who work in our office were happy about that one). I don’t want the fact that I make millions of dollars to prevent you chatting me up. I think it’s important that coworkers at all levels get to know each other on an intimate level.

I should tell you briefly about the girl you’re replacing. We have an inside joke here: we didn’t let her go, she let herself go! It’s not that she was too old or anything–we don’t discriminate based on age. But she was starting to look older. We want someone young, like you (and you’re very attractive). It’s like when we redid our website last year. It needed an injection of newness, something hot and sexy, and adapted for touch screens (if you catch my drift). Jasmine was a cold statue. She didn’t really mesh with our vibe. This is a tech company, we like to have fun, you know? We have a ping pong table, slides between floors, blow up sex dolls, etc. You know, fun stuff.

We like to do pranks on the newbies, so this is just a heads up. We’re really progressively-minded, so don’t worry about people talking overtly about things like your period or whether you’ve ever had an abortion. Our culture is curious. The prank could be anything, but judging by your really curvy shape, you might get jostled, poked in the side-boob, propositioned for fun little polyamorous flings. You know, everyone’s just having fun. We’re good to each other here.

This company is at the forefront of mobile technology. Our Poop Selfie™ app is in the hands of millions of people, and we’ve secured tons of angel funding for further development (but our girls are the real angels in the office 😉 ).

If you’re with us, you’re all in. We encourage a casual Friday that bends the limits. Gwen wore a bikini a few months ago, and now it’s kind of lame if one of the girls doesn’t do the same every Friday–just to let you know.

Welcome to the team, Sandra! I wanted to tell you that you have excellent, slender legs. You should show them off. Also, you’ll see that our office has an open floor plan; my private office has blinds and a lock on the door. So, you know, just some information for you to jump on ( :p ). Looking forward to doing you!

With respect,

Willard Bloom, boss (please, call me Mr. Bloom (or daddy))