This is Mars, not Earth

Commissioner Fred Warninger,

Here at the High Counsel of Martian Affairs we’ve received reports that your department is overstepping its mandate. We remind you that your department is in charge of policing the population domes, not Judge Dredding them. This is Mars, Fred, not Earth. We’re more civilized because we have to be. You know this as well as anyone after the incident. So please, stick to the mandate:

  • Your officers are to be public fixtures of assistance. We know that your Earth ways are accepted on that planet, but here we maintain humility. We are servants of the public good. I don’t know, tell your officers to buy kids ice cream more often, or help old ladies board the hyperloop.
  • When you see someone that looks suspicious, it’s probably because they’re newly arrived to Mars and are experiencing planet shock. Always assume innocence.
  • Please use our Martian tasers. We understand that you brought your own Earth firearms, but as we have seen during the incident, discharging them in the domes is fatal to pretty much everyone in that dome at the time.
  • Whenever you can avoid using a taser, please do. We want your officers to be safe, but the nature of the job is to take on greater risk. We will not follow Earth’s example in allowing officers to deploy brutally excessive force under the excuse of their own safety.
  • The case concerning Mr. Galvob is concerning. Witnesses say he merely called one of your officers a ‘pup’ and was hitherto relieved of his left arm. This is not Old England, and your officers are not permitted to employ Beowulf tactics.
  • Our uniforms are red, naturally. Please do not undermine the fashion department’s mandate. We will be monitoring future shipments addressed to you from Earth so that we can stop blue uniforms in their tracks.
  •  A Miss Vanderbilt claims that she was positively discriminated against by an Officer Harky. Her report indicates he said to her, “Hey girlie I want to protect you from all the bad guys in your pants.” Please tell Officer Harky this is sexist and it doesn’t make sense.
  • Regarding the indigenous Martian population, we recognize that it is unfortunate that the Martian body looks like a Glock to human eyes. We will be requiring all officers to go through sensitivity training. So far this month, 176 Martians have been fatally shot by your officers. We remind you that they are not, in fact, guns; they are Martians.
  • Speaking of bullets, use fewer. We understand that on Earth if someone does anything that you don’t like, it’s permissible to shoot them 14 times. Here on Mars, again, we prefer tasers. If you shoot a human or a Martian, aim for limbs.

Apart from the thousands of dead due to shootings and the incident, the High Council of Martian Affairs thinks you’re doing a good job. Try to adhere to your mandate, and we’ll all come out of this alive.


Council President Rox Titherband

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