Last year’s Christmas party, as we all know, was lethal. Becky, dear sweet Becky, is in our hearts forever. But it’s the holiday and we need to be gleeful! It’s a time for eggnog drunk in moderation and candy canes for eating not enemas, so let’s do it right this time.

Corporate has put together a few guidelines for this year’s office Christmas party. Let’s adhere to these, and have a wonderful celebration!

  1. No nudity.
  2. Maximum 2 drinks per employee.
  3. No more flaming shots (Randall is still recovering from the kerosene shot. He has made lots of friends in the burn ward but he wishes everyone to know the dangers of peer pressure)
  4. One +1 per employee. +1’s who looks like elf strippers will not be admitted to the party.
  5. No preaching the real meaning of Christmas. That’s how shit got out of hand last year.
  6. Self-flagellation is not a party trick and it stains.
  7. Judy cannot bring her children. If anyone sees Judy’s children, there will be fish nets available to catch them, and the animal rescue number will be posted at all the exits.
  8. Anyone who decides to dress as Santa must accept the existence of parallel Santas. Santa Gladiator in the ring of swivel chairs will be swiftly dismantled if it pops up again this year.
  9. There is nothing merry about Russian Roulette so please keep that at home.
  10. All religions are welcome, but pastries must be Christmas-themed. We cannot afford to upset Meredith again.
  11. Don’t climb the tree.
  12. Presents will be opened at the start of the party this time. If you manage to get drunk before presents are opened, don’t be honest about them please.
  13. All music will be Gaelic, church-y or otherwise pre-1995 Christmas songs. No Gwen Stefani.
  14. Musical chairs must be played fully clothed.
  15. No sex. If you can’t hold it in, please do not procreate. Poor baby Jules will never hear the end of it when he’s older (sorry Dan).
  16. The foam antlers do not make your dog a reindeer; leave him at home.
  17. No fake snow will be permitted. The police are still investigating how 20 kilos of pure Peruvian cocaine ended up sprinkling down on us that night.
  18. No looking into each others eyes for longer than 2 seconds at a time.
  19. No performing any kind of medical procedure (included but not limited to lobotomies, vasectomies, dental procedures, appendectomies, and laser eye surgery). The magic of the season does not make you an M.D. (Remember people, Wesley was fired, but it was much worse for Judith’s husband)
  20. Smile often.
  21. Be kind to one another
  22. Share in laughter
  23. Don’t steal office supplies you can do that any other time of the year damnit.

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