We at Starbucks know how to make coffee better than anyone in the world. In this short open letter, we would like to reveal our secret to the best coffee brew you can possibly imagine.

Step 1 to making good coffee begins with the beans

Starbucks sources beans from anywhere with an exotic name that Americans can’t pronounce. If someone doesn’t like our coffee it’s because they’re not worldly, and also they’re racist.

Step 2 to good coffee is protect your liability

The very best coffee only tastes so good because its brewer’s indemnified. Step 2 is burn the beans. All of them. Like little naked white kids falling asleep on an August beach, we let the prune set in. No chance of any living bacteria if you burn ’em good and black.

Step 3 on how to make coffee is to add water

Starbucks believe that coffee is disgusting if you can taste too much of it. Add water. Lots of water. People who don’t like real coffee taste love our coffee because it’s like a juice with sweet, sweet cocaine.

Step 4: Make a small a large

Starbucks knows how to make coffee thanks to years of practice. In the beginning, people did not like it, so we added more water. But our cups were too small so we made them bigger and added more water. The trick to the best coffee in the world is to make a small a tall and a large a grande. This is America goddamit make it huge.

Step 5: Fast coffee is better coffee

European cafes with their cappuccinos and espressos don’t know how to do it like Starbucks does. Coffee is meant to be drunk walking down a freezing street nervously trying to get to work while thinking about too many things at once.

Step 6: Linguistics

For anyone interested in making good coffee, here’s the 411: make up a brand new language to describe everything about yours. People will feel stupid at first, but they’ll consider your coffee exceptional if you call it Sir Cofyall Roast, then they’ll conform to the jargon.

Step 7: Sugar coffee to the rescue

The very best coffee in the whole of the planet is Starbucks because any “Coffee” flavor that sneaks into the brew we suppress with a secret ingredient: sugar. Chantilly, caramel, chocolate, it doesn’t matter. Give it a weird fucking name and drown it in sweet–that’s coffee.

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