Hiring Manager person,

I saw your job post for “Web Developer”, and I got the goods. I don’t have any of the experience you wrote in there, but if you give me the chance, I can develop better webs than the dickhead you’re considering now. I made a list of my alternative qualifications. There’s no way you won’t hire me after reading this stuff I swear on everything holy.

Javascript, AngularJS, C#: Are these typos? They look like typos. I don’t know if you’re talking about coffee or Indonesia or what, and I’ve never played AngularJS before if that’s what you mean–I’m really good at Goldeneye64 with License to Kill, and Red Alert (the third one haha the others are too tough). C# isn’t how you do it it’s #YOLO4EVER

Experience on a full stack agile team: I don’t know what this means but I once worked at IHOP and the boss was pretty flexible

CSS: Again, my games are Red Alert and 64. But I went to Mexico once and lots of kids play Counter Strike still in those dingy internet joints. I don’t see how that’s relevant to the position though, so

HTML5: I looked this up on Google images, which is how i get my information, and the logo is like Transformers. I have all the Transformers action figures but my older brother broke off Optimus’ arm and glued it onto Grimlock for a penis. So I have that going for me

SQL Server: I have a TON of experience in this, believe me. I worked 3 months at Outback, and one time I almost got a job at Red Robin but they wanted me to shave so fuck that

At least 3 years developing web-based applications: Honestly I’ve only been applying to jobs for 3 days or so, but I feel that it’s three long days. So like, for one guy maybe he does applications for three years, but it’s equivalent to my three days, see? This application is pretty good I think. It’s tempered you know? I got a short fuse usually. I broke a guy’s cheekbone because he was closer to the crosswalk button and wouldn’t push it, made me go around and do it myself

BS in computer science: You’re goddamn right it is

Bachelor’s or master’s: Look I don’t got a girlfriend right now but I think sharing responsibility in a relationship is more important than laying down the law on the other person, you know?

AJAX, JSON: No. Not MK. RED ALERT and GOLDENEYE64, Christ

So I’d be a pretty alright Web Developer as you can see. You should at least interview with me. Making me fill out all these forms and shit, man. I need a job, and I want to try new things. Give me a chance and I’ll show you what determination can do for a man. I’ll develop the shit out of your webs.

Cordial,

Henry Lockey