Dear valued offshore tax haven investor,
In light of recent leaks of our investors’ personal identifying information (Paradise Papers, Panama Papers or whatever), our bank is issuing this memo to remind you why you bank with us. Your investment strategy might be receiving some backlash from your government, countrymen, family, and pets, but we promise this is totally-legitimate-not-at-all-immoral-but-actually-quite-legal-offshore-investment-opportunism.
Let us caress your ego with these pointed observations.
1) Offshore tax havens create jobs
Your generous use of our zero-tax offshore banking system doesn’t just preserve your money–it creates jobs. Sure, it might only ever really benefit a couple of bankers and financiers who’d probably be wealthy anyway without this banking industry in an already tiny country, but hey a job’s a job and anything that creates one is heaven-sent, so bravo to you.
2) It’s your money, so the rest can go suck on ice cubes
You made this money with your own two hands, and no one helped you get here but you. Who cares if you already came from money? You’re the one that turned millions of dollars into even more millions of dollars. You didn’t need anyone to actually participate in your industry or buy your product–these millions of dollars would have been yours even without a market to act in, so you don’t have any social responsibility whatsoever to a “customer base”. Pff.
3) People have short-term memories
Don’t fret, people will forget about this silliness! They don’t know what they’re talking about. Help them forget by directing the newspapers and media organizations you own to report on Trump’s tweets more often–those are way more juicy than this ‘lil hiccup of a story.
4) Our politics are yours to wield
Our offshore tax haven banking is super cool because we believe in customer service. When you need something done, all you have to do is pay $500k to hire our local politician to support your preferred legislation–we take care of you by giving you control of our democracy. It’s that easy!
5) Taxes don’t help anyone
No one likes taxes, and no one blames you! You beat the system, you’re a champion among men, and everyone’s just envious of your accomplishments. You know what to do with money better than a government would. You have like 100 vintage cars and 5 vacation mansions–that’s dope. They’d just use the .001%’s tax money to fund education and healthcare. Ugh. Who needs that?
6) Offshore companies are better than onshore ones
Onshore companies are lame. They’re small-time, strip-mall leasing, yellow-teeth-employee, 5-figure-profiting boredom bombs. We’re a mother-F-ing bank on a tropical island. We have pina coladas, white-sand beaches, and hot broads who love money. You are part of the dream they’re crawling toward (haha don’t worry they won’t get there)–without you, there would be no drive in the little men of the world. Thank you.
7) Shell companies sound so cool
We’ll create a 500-employee fake shell offshore company for you because we can, and you should. This is what the dream is all about, and the hypocrites want to blame you? Pff. Offshore tax havens are not only legal; they’re vital. And “Shell company” sounds awesome as a phrase, right?
8) Rich-people tax evasion is better for everyone
Trickle-down economics is the gentle hand that pets the poor. Rich people like you are responsible for making everyone’s life better, obviously, so shouldn’t you be rewarded by being allowed to rip away money from a national economy and preserve your investments in offshore accounts? This douche knows what’s up.
9) The world’s going to blow up anyway
Eventually a supernova is going to destroy Earth. You’re hoarding your money with our offshore banking so that one day, your immaculate progeny can buy a ticket on a spacecraft to colonize a new galaxy. You are the ultimate humanitarian. They don’t know it now, but your use of offshore tax havens is saving the human race.