Abstract
Our Flxcree civilization is far more advanced than the humans on planet #94582, which they affectionately refer to as “Earth” and incorrectly assume in their “movies” that they are somehow special in this galaxy. Not only does our cloaking technology allow us to observe them without disruption, but after preliminary analysis, we have confirmed that our species is unhindered by the same fluctuations of internal bodily chemical balances as the human race, the same chemicals that convince them of their specialness. Results show a marked increase in human-like behavior in our Flxcree test subject. We recommend further study in order to better understand this species, and to create an antidote to render certain human body chemicals inert.
Methodology
We established a closed experiment wherein we isolated a chemical from the male gender of human beings called “testosterone”. We then injected one of our own, called Flxdin, with the chemical, and placed it in a fabricated “office” environment with various human inventions and Earth climate. He create artificial stimuli and recorded the effects on Flxdin.
Results
The Flxcree are an objective, a-sexual, single-sex species of similar physical stature to the human. By introducing 500 gramites of human male “testosterone” into Flxdin, its objectivity was markedly absent. Flxdin was placed into the office environment, and we made the following key observations:
- While sitting in a “cubicle” with an office task we assigned, Flxdin spun in its swivel chair, spitting onto the cut pile carpet, our mind-reader registering its repeating thoughts as the human equivalent of “fuck it”
- We activated the “Xerox machine”. Flxdin rose, its body temperature increased, and it mounted the machine and began to thrust its body repeatedly in an apparent effort to mate. The machine was indifferent to this action
- Flxdin drew crude pornographic images with a ball-point pen on its supply of legal pad paper. The main character was human, and had inordinately large genitalia which spewed mountains of liquid at the other characters in the drawings whose dialogue was “singing in the rain” and “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas”
- We remotely triggered the window to open, whereupon a breeze came into the office and Flxdin began to hump the floor
- Flxdin became hairy, and ran around the office space “sweating”. When we interrupted its burst of energy by activating the television with an episode of “Teletubbies”, Flxdin went into a fit on the ground, stroking itself and crying out for “Top Gear”
- Flxdin used the computer to locate human pornography. Flxdin quickly became bored, and then located “revenge porn”. Then it graduated to “Hentai,” and finally landed on an explicit animated porn called “Ticklish Teletubbies”
- Flxdin was induced to ingest “coffee” and “sugar”. Its body shook and its temperature increased further. It located human sexual lubricant in its office drawer, ripped its shirt off, squirted the lube all over its torso, cracked a lighter in half, dumped the lighter fluid onto the lube, cranked up an iPhone Bluetooth speaker blasting Cannibal Corpse death metal, then it lit its chest on fire, proceeding to gyrate and convulse on the floor, humping the air. Flxdin then tackled the Norfolk Island Pine plant and humped it repeatedly with its full body power, tiring itself out after 30 minutes (human units of time). Drained of most energy, smoldering from the now-extinguished flames, Flxdin’s body was limp and lay still save for the waistline, which continued a steady, albeit weak humping motion against the skinny stalk
Conclusion
We discern that full-scale invasion of the planet Earth is possible and its outcome would result in probable Flxcree success and subjugation of the human species. However, we must synthesize an antidote to testosterone in order to lower the considerable risk to the Flxcree that human males will try to fuck us.
