We regret but not really to inform you that your application for the B2 tourist visa to the United States of America has been denied. You may repay the $250 fee for another interview, but we recommend taking the following steps to improve your chances:

• You make less than $100,000. Make more money. Maybe combine YouTube, cats, and being hot, to make cash quick.
• Own an apartment. If you have an apartment to come back to, we’re more likely to award you the tourist visa. But if there are no Ferraris parked outside, it doesn’t count.
• Own a Ferrari. Anything pre-2000s doesn’t count.
• Be old. We don’t give many visas to young single people. They’re shifty and have soft skin.
• Be married. Be married for, like, 30 years. That’s solid evidence that you don’t intend to immigrate.
• Try to not be from where you are. But you are, so. Bummer!
• Have degrees from foreign universities. I mean, from Oxford or Cambridge, or maybe Australia but those guys are lax so maybe not.
• Have a steady job. I mean, have one that fits into our definition of work. So, something with neckties, shiny shoes, benefits, 401k (hope you guys have those!), dental, vision, company letterhead, company retreats to Bora Bora (with photos).
• If you don’t look at least 10 years older than you are then we won’t believe that you have a real job.
• Wear lots of a expensive clothes and jewelry and stuff. (We know it’s actually quite dangerous for you to walk around your city with all that on, but do you want to see the US or not?)
• Have at least $500,000 in the bank (It IS acceptable to have this spread out in real estate and franchise ownership–if you own a KFC that’s like automatic B2 for you).
• Be white. (Or like, at least try to, you know?)
• Present a letter of recommendation from a US congressman (Not democrat).
• Submit an affidavit of support from an American citizen who has at least 3 properties valued at $1,000,000+, a large extended family that includes minimum 5 recognizable celebrities (one of whom must be Tucker Carlson), and a portfolio of professional success at the highest tiers of New Hampshire’s investment banking elite.
• Be evangelist (we like those best).
• Be able to recite the pledge of allegiance in tongues.
• Have been saved by Jesus after having been gay for a long time only to then decide that gayness is a plague, like frogs.
• Smoke only Marlboro, none of that Frenchy rolly crap.

If you follow some of these suggestions, you just may have a chance at visiting your cousin in Patterson for the weekend.

Sincerely,

United States Embassy