To the human ambassador Gene Federlinger,
Thank you for your recent application to receive advanced documentation on the development of Faster than Light travel technology. The Inter-Galactic Council on Cross-Dimensional and Warp Transportation Technology and Methodology Licensing (IGCCDWTTML) regrets to inform you that at this time we cannot grant you access to this technology.
We understand that your species is anxious to stretch its legs in the cosmos, but you must understand that, although you may have quick access to the required minerals to produce components for Faster than Light travel technology thanks to Chinese labor laws, the IGCCDWTTML has deemed your species unfit to join us among the stars for a number of reasons:
1. Sex: Humans can’t do anything without thinking about copulation. We don’t take issue with the distraction as much as with the fact that your reproductive rituals often involve props and/or acting. Not to mention the grotesque anatomy. Please stop it, then reapply.
2. Redheads: We need to see more redhead female leads in sci-fi movies. Why not reconsider the marketability of your Lindsay Lohan?
3. Science: Your rate of organic scientific discovery, though at a rudimentary stage, is increasing exponentially. Unfortunately, this discovery is directly correlated with a marked increase in beliefs that counter fact. Please muffle this sector of society. We cannot give Faster than Light travel tech to a species who mostly believe it to be blasphemous.
4. God: We know God. He is a Frexlack. And he has told us to tell you that, again, he is sorry to have landed on your planet all those Earth years ago, and will you please just forget about it.
5. Xenomorphs: The Xenomorphs are a real species from Planet Deringer. “Alien” creators somehow got a hold of a digital image of their biggest silver screen star, Kelsey. They are not aggressive, their blood is not acidic, and their young do not burst chests but rather exit what you would call a “rectum”, much like your chickens lay eggs. We cannot have a species whose pop culture falsely vilifies another running amok in space at Faster than Light speeds.
6. Toilet paper: We’ve studied your planet and your anatomy. This is a waste, use water like your “Indians”.
7. Nukes: You have developed nuclear warheads. Congratulations. Don’t use those.
8. What to do with nukes: You’re really screwing yourselves as long as you have nukes sitting around. There is a clean, more powerful technology. But we’re not giving it to you. Get rid of the nukes first. Maybe shoot them all at Mercury. No one likes the Mercurians.
9. Your leadership: Your current leader must immediately return to his home planet of Trumpap. They are a mischievous folk who stole tech for Faster than Light travel without securing our approval. Just whisper into his ear on the Earth’s winter solstice, “Wanderlust ebony boobs”, and his bio-mechanism will launch him home.
10. Doritos: Furnish us with the recipe to make these marvelous crisps.
When the human race feels that it has successfully addressed these issues, then we invite you to reapply for the Faster than Light travel technology license. Until then, we will keep monitoring your planet.
The Inter-Galactic Council on Cross-Dimensional and Warp Transportation Technology and Methodology Licensing
p.s. Please bring back that show “Firefly” you can’t leave a galaxy hanging like that